Girl in a Cage

Lick My Plate, D** D***!

I've discovered Chiller TV, which I suppose is the poor, or rather non-HD-equipped man's version of Monsters HD, which I seriously covet. (If you bothered clicking through there, you can see how much cooler Monsters HD is just by their EC-Comics-lookin' website. And yes, I'm a dork, but the existence of Monsters HD is totally making me want to go spend way too much money on an HDTV.)

But I haven't succumbed to useless consumerism just yet, so I'm stuck with Chiller TV. I've taken to checking it first after the kids go to bed. And last night, one of my favorite horror movies, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, was on.

So far so good, but Chiller TV has commercials and bizarre censorship standards.

Here's what I mean--I watched the whole "evil psychos invade the radio station" sequence. And so we got Leatherface menacing the female DJ with a chainsaw, but then when the other guy went to say, "Lick my plate, dog dick!" all we got was "lick my plate!" I mean, can someone explain this to me? Whose community standards are the censors upholding here? It's okay to menace a woman with a chainsaw as long as you don't say "dick"? Who exactly is going to tune in to Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and be offended by the use of the word dick? I mean, in this same scene, we saw a guy get his head bashed in with a hammer! But at least there was no profanity!

I think the whole discussion about the weird sexual chainsaw stuff in that scene must have been interesting. "It's okay to show Leatherface running the chainsaw up her bare leg, but we have to cut away before he gets to her cutoff-clad crotch. But the phallic thrusting with the chainsaw is okay."

I don't know. The whole concept of a censored horror channel is kind of strange, but not as strange as the censorship guidelines appear to be.

Sometimes it's easy being green

Last week my friend Scott took me to watch the Celtics beat the Cavaliers in game 2. We had a great time, and Scott's seats are amazing. Apparently the guy who went to game 1 reported that he'd sat next to Leo DiCaprio, who's filming a movie in the area. We had no such luck--for three quarters of the game, the only "celebrity" we saw was Lenny Clark, who's really stretching the definition of celebrity almost to the breaking point. Especially in Boston, where fat old Irish American guys who aren't very funny are very very easy to find.

But then I spied Jason Bateman! And we had better seats than he did! Anyway, Jason's a hero to the shorter man, not to mention a hero to those who appreciate a second act: he went from Teen Wolf Too to Arrested Development and a newly booming movie career. Good for him! And I kinda wanted to say something to him, but what was I going to say? "I like your work" ? "Too bad AD got canceled" ? "How'd you like to option one of my novels" ? Feh. I let him enjoy the basketball game, and I did the same.

About that game: the refs are clearly giving Lebron James the Michael Jordan treatment: they called outrageous fouls against the Celtics whenever they got near Lebron, all but shouting, "You've bothered Mr. James on his way to the basket! For shame!" One of the refs, a pockmarked bald old white guy, sang along when they played Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" on the PA.

It was a cool time and a great game. Now if they could only win on the road...

No Sleep Till

You know what I'm sick of hearing about?

Brooklyn.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have friends who live in Brooklyn, and I'm sure it's a nice place and all, but, I mean, the amount of attention the place gets, you'd think it was Paris in the '20's or something.

I can't help feeling there's a touch of insincerity to all the Brooklyn love--people priced out of Manhattan decided to affect an annoying amount of love for the place they had to settle for and set all their novels there and think it's actually more important and interesting than it actually is. But, I mean, I suppose that's only natural--I did the same thing when I had to live in Somerville instead of Cambridge or Boston. Well, I didn't set any novels or movies there, but I did affect a love for a town that hated me and that I eventually grew to hate in return.

But what's really, really annoying is the fact that since so much of the publishing and media world now lives in Brooklyn, we just have to hear about it all the time, so much so that when some tool writes a moronic rant like this, we then get to read about it in a blog ostensibly devoted to publishing.

I mean, we have annoying cranks in my neighborhood too--recently some yutz wrote that a church that burned down shouldn't be rebuilt but, rather, should sell its land to help alleviate my neighborhood's terrible Luxury Condo Shortage Crisis--but we keep 'em in our neighborhood paper that nobody outside the neighborhood reads because nobody outside the neighborhood cares, or, for that matter, should care.

Here's hoping the priced-out-of Park Slope literati discover Queens or something, so we can at least start hearing way too much about a different borough.

It's not that easy being green

As part of my assiduous program of lazy environmentalism, I've been diligently using reusable bags whenever possible, so as to reduce my carbon footprint without significantly changing my lifestyle.

So far so good, but now I don't have any paper bags to put the paper recycling out in!

The Perils of Daytime TV

I'm home with a sick kid today--daughter #2, to be specific. Tired of reruns of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, daughter #2 said, "Hey! Didn't you record that Lord Haden-Guest movie about Hollywood last night? Let's watch that!"

"Ugh, I don't know what I was thinking. You know Lord Haden-Guest: a bunch of pathetic losers believe they are destined to be more than pathetic losers and are then suitably punished for dreaming above their station."

"But you've said in the past that you despised the way he picks on ordinary people!" she countered. "Here he's spoofing Hollywood! Surely you'll enjoy this one!"

"The Hollywood satire died with S.O.B. They keep making these movies and they keep sucking. Nobody who doesn't work in Hollywood finds these movie industry satires either funny or interesting. But once a year they have to crank one out so everybody who works there can prove how above the pettiness they are by cameoing in or praising a movie that mocks the petty soulless nature of the film industry."

"Well, I think there's an infomercial on," she said.

"Well...okay..." I said, and reluctantly turned on For Your Consideration. As predicted, it featured a talented cast portraying pathetic losers--in this case, washed-up actors who dare to dream of Oscar glory and are suitably punished for their dream by being cruelly humiliated. It did have it's funny moments, but gosh, Lord Haden-Guest has gone to this well too many times. Even if you think the spectacle of Harry "I Earn a Quarter Million Dollars Per Simpsons Episode" Shearer mocking a character who actually does commercials to pay the rent is funny, the formula is really getting a little long in the tooth.

Still, it was better than daytime infomercials. But just barely.

Doin' My Ironing

Saturday night, the boy and I grabbed three other males and headed out to see Iron Man.

The ladies, having sided with Captain America in the whole Marvel Civil War thing, refused to go on principle. "You've got Steve Rogers' blood on your hands!" Daughter #1 yelled at us as we walked out the door. What a drama queen!

Anyway, the movie completely rocked. Robert Downey Jr. does his usual charming rogue routine, and, as Carly Simon might say, nobody does it better. In fact, he's really what sets this movie apart from the regular superhero movie. Instead of the regular guy parts being boring filler between the CGI battles, the regular (well, regular genius inventor playboy billionaire who is three years my senior and thrice as ripped as I) guy parts were actually funny, compelling and exciting. The CGI battles were cool too, but we've really seen that stuff a hundred times--a guy in a suit flying around doesn't really thrill me anymore. Well, okay, the part where he hits the Afghan terrorists was actually pretty thrilling, but, overall, it's not like I ooh and ahh over this stuff anymore. What I do ooh and ahh over is a good script and good acting. I mean, as long as it's in a movie where stuff also blows up. I mean, I heard The Squid and the Whale was pretty good, but who wants to see that?

Anyway, unless you are still grieving for Steve Rogers, I highly recommend this movie. It's really nice to see a blockbuster action movie that doesn't assume the audience is comprised of morons. If you know anything about Marvel Comics, you should definitely stay through the end credits. If not, you could probably just leave when the credits start.

Spoiler/Quibble time. Don't read this if you haven't seen the movie. 1.)I mean, I knew the second I saw Jeff Bridges that he was bad. Nobody who's completely bald with a full beard gets to be good in any movie ever. 2.)Many key plot developments in this movie appear to hinge on Tony Stark having no home security system. How many freaking people can just walk into this place with the top-secret technology and millions of dollars' worth of cars in the basement anyway?

Waluigi is a captialist running dog.

The kids have been seriously bogarting the Wii, thus preventing me from writing the authoritative post I had hoped to write. But I will say this, based on my limited play thus far: Holy crap is this thing fun. Way, way funner than other consoles. Dangerously fun.

Those wacky folks at Nintendo--geniuses or idiots? On the genius side, they dropped out of the graphics arms race and instead focused on revolutionizing game play. Good call! Do you really care if you can see the beads of sweat on Eli Manning's forehead whilst playing Madden? Which you probably can't even do if you don't have an HDTV, which most people don't. So that part is genius.

Possibly idiotic are the chronic shortages. I was able to get my hands on one only by sprinting to the Nintendo store during the final half-hour of an 8-hour sojourn in New York and nearly missing my train home. People in stores in Boston literally laugh at you when you ask if they have a Wii in stock. It's been long enough since the thing came out that they really should have them available for purchase. I think they would sell a lot more if people could actually buy them. Then again, they got my sorry butt sprinting to the store, so maybe they're geniuses after all.

But what of the games? Well, I've enjoyed the Wii sports and Wii play titles, and the little bit of Soul Caliber: Legends I've played has been really cool. Sort of. I mean, it's not really a fighting game, (Vs mode is split screen! What the hell?) but more of an adventure game. I feel kind of sorry for the folks who make up the stories for the fighting games, because really, nobody cares at all. But here they've build an entire game around the action between the first two Soul Caliber games. Or something. The story is boring and lame, but you get to use the controller as a sword, and it makes swooshy sword noises as you thrust and parry around your living room! How incredibly cool is that? (answer: very.)

Also cool is Mario and Sonic at the 2008 Olympic games. I haven't had too much opportunity to play this one yet, but the boy has beaten a bunch of events and gotten to the real prize--the unlockables! See Sonic sprint through a crowd of angry protestors, holding the Olympic torch aloft! My favorite part is when Toad runs on to the field holding a "Free Tibet" sign, and Chinese security forces, led by Wario in a Mao cap, detain him and send him to a re-education camp! Then you can use the Wii remote to make Toad write self-criticism! Oh, okay, not really. But that would be cool.

I don't want your blood money

I was driving down the street the other day, radio commercials playing in the background, when I suddenly slammed on the brakes.
"What the hell!" the other occupants of the minivan screamed in unison.
"Didn't you guys just hear that commercial for the touring production of Jesus Christ Superstar?"
They just looked at me with that, "oh, he's finally lost his marbles" look I get several times daily.
"No," somebody volunteered.
"It said, 'starring Corey Glover, the voice of Living Colour, as Judas!' "

"Okay, we're going to be late to the soccer game," My SSIGWJLAH wife said. "I saw Living Colour open for the Stones. They were awesome. They rocked."

"Yeah," I said. "I never saw them live, but I always kinda thought they were overrated. A lot of the lyrics are really pretty dumb, but not dumb in a Van Halen party rock way, dumb like people trying to be profound who can't quite pull it off. I mean, what the hell's up with invoking Gandhi in that Cult of Personality song? The guy brought about an essentially nonviolent revolution! That could have been a bloodbath that killed millions! Should he really be grouped with Mussolini and Stalin?"

"I think," the boy said, "the song is really just about the cult of personality and how it surrounds leaders both good and bad."

"And anyway," Daughter #1 said, "it's not like there's only that one album--"

"I personally think 'Glamour Boys' is homophobic," Daughter #2 said. "And 'Open Letter to a Landlord is inept and painfully earnest." I leaned back for the high five.

"To address your point about the other albums," I said, "I don't have Stain, but nobody bought that, because the band just wasn't the same without Muzz Skillings." We all had a good laugh, and then I continued. "But seriously. I had that second album, and I liked 'Type' and Queen Latifah's guest rap, but otherwise, it's a lot of unremarkable songs. And, frankly, I always found Vernon Reid's guitar playing cold and overly technical."

"So," my SSIGWJLAH wife continued, "All you've done is dis this band for five minutes. So why'd you put all our lives at risk just because Corey Glover is playing Judas in the touring production of Jesus Christ Superstar?"

"Did you hear what you just said?" I answered. "I mean, yes, I thought that band was overrated, but they used to be cool! now their lead singer is touring in an Andrew Lloyd Webber production! Could he be doing anything less cool?"

"I think he spent some time as a VH1 VJ," the boy offered.

"Point taken. But...I don't know. It just makes me feel old and uncool."

"Well, duh," the kids said. And I spent the next two days walking around the house singing, "must die, must die, this Jesus must die!"

Everything Is Gonna Burn. We'll All Take Turns. I'll Get Mine Too.

Earth Day was this week, and so I've been thinking about bein' green and stuff. And I had this idea to write a post about how the movies, certainly one of my favorite art forms, could stand to shrink their carbon footprint. Watching the Transformers special features (Mostly a yawn, but I was bored), several people speak in reverential tones about Michael Bay and how cool it is that he likes to blow up actual cars instead of simulating a car blowing up in a computer. It's not clear to me why Michael Bay thought his CGI robots needed to be wrecking real cars, but there it is. Bad for the ol' carbon footprint. A Civil Action filmed a scene right around the corner from where I used to live. I walked up and saw the trucks lined up for blocks. Literally--there had to be at least 20 trucks and trailers lining the sidewalks for a day and a half so they could shoot a scene that is barely an eyeblink in that movie. Remember that helicopter shot in Mystic River where the camera zooms over the park to where the body is? I live right down the block from that park, and that helicopter was in the air for a full day getting a shot that takes maybe 15 seconds in a 2 hours plus movie and adds nothing at all to the movie, except for my evanescent thrill at being able to go, "Hey, look, it's Franklin Park, where I walk the dog! There's the stadium!" I shudder to think how much fuel it takes to keep a helicopter in the air that long.

So yeah, the movies could stand to shrink their carbon footprint. Maybe CGI is the way to go--I'm sure it puts some carbon in the air, but could it possibly be as much as driving twenty trucks around or flying a helicopter all day?

But, you know, we could all stand to be greener. I, for example, could curb my gadget addiction. Did I really need a Wii? Noo. But I riily wanted one. The Kindle I suppose will eventually be carbon neutral--don't know about the manufacturing process, but I'm saving the binding and shipping energy for a lot of books, so that's gotta be good. But still. I love me some new gadgets, and maybe it's a bit silly for me to run around unplugging all the cell phone chargers because I'm worried about energy vampires when I just went out and bought an electronic geegaw that I don't need. (But which is really fun!)

As Elton John said, but then again, no. Yes, I could certainly be greener. But at least I'm doing the stuff that's easy for me--taking public transportation, living close to work, composting, recycling, not eating meat and turning off lights and unplugging cell phone chargers. The fact that I can't be perfect doesn't mean I should do nothing. People always like to have these gotcha moments--as a vegetarian for the last 17 years, I've had my share of gotchas from guilty meat eaters. "But you wear leather and eat cheese!" they say with this triumphant tone in their voice, when what they really mean is, "the fact that you can't do everything justifies me doing nothing!"

So I'm a hypocrite and a lazy selfish consumerist to boot. But I'm trying. And I'm pretty sure if we all did the things that are easy for us, that would help. Turn off a light, drive less, do something, fer Chrissakes. It's important.

Not So Dirty Anymore

My SSIGWJLAH wife and I caught the last episode of the strike-truncated second season of Dirt last night, and all I can say is: ugh. Where is the show I once loved?

Sure, this season had its moments: Lucy wincing in pain at the salon as she received "The John Waters" bikini wax, all the nakedness and insanity of the new boss, and especially Brent passing out behind the wheel of his new Ferrari in his garage and asphyxiating and dying with an erection--this stuff was all good.

But where's the nastiness? Willa stabbing her new boyfriend in the back by outing his gay actor friend? Boring! Last season Lucy's brother outed a gay action star with revealing photos! In the last episode, we had tearful hugs between Don and Lucy complete with sage life advice from Don, Don saves a baby (!), and what was once a sordid, red-hot adulterous affair between Lucy and Holt became "let's go public so we can share our lives together!"

In short, my initial diagnosis was correct: this show has lost its nerve. I don't know how the ratings were this season, but all I can say is that I hope the FX people don't decide to re-tool It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, because if that stops being repulsive and amoral, I simply don't know what I'll do.