It's back to school week, at least here in Boston, and I'm sure educators nationwide are already fretting about the popularity of video games and how it negatively impacts their students' study habits, reading ability, etc.
So I've come up with a perfect solution for killing kids' love of video games. Here's the best part: this method is proven and time-tested and guaranteed to work. Schools could implement it as soon as Monday.
Step 1: Create a required video game course that all students must pass. This can fit into current schedules in the place of English Class.
Step 2: Create a curriculum that stresses the classics. And of course, by classics, I mean titles like Joust, Punch-Out, Golden Axe, and BattleZone and probably some SNES and Atari Titles. Of course some teachers will always want to be avant-garde and will insist on teaching more recent games such as those that appeared on the Nintendo 64 and Playstation 1 consoles, so we'll have to make some room in the curriculum for that, though it doesn't make me happy. By the way, what constitutes video game canon shall be determined by informal agreement of a bunch of 40-year-old white guys.
Step 3: Lots and lots of homework. Students will be forced to play through the video games chosen by the instructor at the pace chosen by the instructor. So, for example, a teacher might require all students to beat the "Bowser in the Fire Sea" level of Super Mario 64 by tomorrow. Some students who play video games for fun will probably find this homework easy, while for others it will be almost impossibly challenging. Some who play video games for fun but prefer, for example, first-person shooters to whimsical jumping adventure games will be able to drag through this game, but they certainly won't enjoy it. Good! That's how we know they're learning!
A Note On Cheating: Of course, playing through all these levels of all these games can be challenging. Some students who find themselves too challenged or who are simply too lazy to do the work they should know is good for them will turn to places like this on the internet. Shame on them. Shame, I say. They're really only cheating themselves out of the good that would accrue to them from playing through the game themselves. Teachers should stress early and often how essential it is to play video games and how exposure to classic video games is good for students.
Step 4: Ad nauseam discussion and purposeless writing. Having forced students to play through games they don't like for their own good, teachers should then force students to analyze the video games in both class discussions and 5-paragraph essays. It is crucially important to kill whatever enjoyment anyone might have gotten from playing the game by forcing them to write bullshit about themes and motifs.
If you simply follow my guaranteed program, students' love of video games will evaporate in a single semester. Who the hell would want to do something for fun that is dull, difficult and good for you when there is something else fun to do where you get to follow your own interests and really immerse yourself in an experience that's interesting? Who knows, they might even start reading!
