Girl in a Cage

O Sweet Jesus No.

Having seen the alternative close up, I am nothing but stoked to be growing older. And yet it's not without its pains. Take, for example, the return of really horrible fashions. I feel like I know how the victims in horror movies feel. After much effort, they've finally slain the horrible person or creature that has made their lives hell, and they finally allow themselves to relax their vigilance and then, just when they least expect it, out springs the killer again! and all they can think is, "Why the hell won't you just stay dead!"

And so it is with this look, which confronted me when I opened what I thought was an innocent sale notification from the Gap:(Sorry I can't make the images stack up, but you get the idea)

A blood-curdling scream escaped my mouth, and my family came running. "What is it?" they demanded, alarmed. Unable to speak, I merely pointed at the screen. "Who's the dork?" the kids said, laughing, while My Lovely Wife patted my shoulder and whispered, "I understand. And I'm so very sorry."

This was a horrible look back in the early 80's. I once (In Losing My Faculties) mocked a co-worker who sported this look in the early 90's as "Captain 80's." But, I mean, the guy was in his 40's with thinning hair and still dressing like Vince Van Patten as the evil frat boy in any of a number of 80's movies. I think I was within my rights to mock him. and yet, I suppose he, now in his late 50's or early 60's and undoubtedly still sporting the same look, probably has the last laugh now.

Live-ish blogging the Oscars.

Kids are finally in bed and I can turn on the Oscars.
Jerry Seinfeld voicing the bee from his animated bee movie that my kids hated and i was thankfully spared does a really unfunny montage introducing best animated short.

While the boring people walk, I'll say this is not the first year I haven't seen any of the nominees, but it is the first year I actually want to see most of them. Cause I love me some Coen Brothers. Still, briefly, the Oscars are messed up. Superbad was the best movie I saw all year.

Best supporting actress montage. Ruth Gordon won for Rosemary's Baby!--wow, they actually gave awards to horror movies once!

Travolta's head just keeps getting larger.

Best Actress nominees. Cate Blanchett. Why anybody wanted to see that movie is beyond me. I nearly dozed off during the clip. Ruby Dee playing a cliche. The obligatory kid. She might win. The obligatory kid in this category sometimes wins. Amy Ryan. That movie looks good. Tilda Swinton. She spooks me out since the Narnia movie. She looks freaky...and she wins! Weird dress. She's giving her Oscar to her American agent because his butt looks like Oscar's. She teases Clooney about the benippled batsuit! Rock on! I suddenly love her!

I think I saw Gabrielle Carteris in the crowd there. Could that be possible?

Jessica Alba in a strapless dress talking about the tech awards so we at least have something interesting to look at while she talks about developments in film grain, speed, and sharpness.

My first glimpse of Jon Stewart. He does the "Jack's a horndog" joke and then says "The compulsories are over"

Wow, Josh Brolin looks like his dad.

Best adapted screenplay, and they're doing all these famous lines. How many of those movies got Oscars, I wonder.

Wow, now these movies I have no desire to see at all except for the Coen Brothers one. And the Coens win. I think it might be their night. Their speech was dull. Here's a guy with bad facial hair who's not Jack Valenti. Behind the scenes at the Oscars! There's Paul Mazursky getting into the movies free! I'll bet that bastard could afford a ticket. God, but Travolta's head is huge.

Jon Stewart mocks the accounting montage, makes lame joke.

Miley Cyrus. I smell Disney synergy as the Disney Channel star introduces the song from the Disney movie on the network owned by Disney.

"How Do You Know" from Enchanted, which I wanted to see but didn't. This song blows. And the production number blows too. I suppose I should be grateful Phil Collins isn't involved. Still. I'm behind, so I'm hittin' the fast forward here.

Oprah's Big Give. Why do I find that more offensive than The Apprentice? I mean, it's kind of a good idea, I guess, encouraging philanthropy instead of rapacious capitalism. But it gives me the creeps. There goes my shot at Oprah's Book Club.

Here's not Halle Berry and Dame Judy Dench, but Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, from two movies people will still be watching years after they've forgotten most of these movies were ever made! And the award for sound editing. Fast forward! Swede with a really long pony tail! I kind of like when these unknowns win because they're actually excited. It's charming.

Sound mixing or something. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say the folks who do the behind-the-scenes tech stuff are just not a very good looking bunch. And The Bourne Ultimatum wins another sound award! i wanted to see that, but I thought I should see the second one first.

Music drowns out the boring guys.

Best Actress montage...Helen Mirren's kind of a sexy senior citizen.

Forrest Whitaker needs hair. He's got some jug handle ears, and the baldness just draws attention to them.

Cate Blanchett wincing at the clip. Julie Christie..talk about your sexy senior citizens! Some French Lady for some Edith Piaf biopic, apparently. Not a chance in hell she's gonna win. Hey, there's Viggo behind Laura Linney. I think Juno girl is gonna win. OMG! The Edith Piaf lady won! I guess she's seein' la vie en rose! She's thrilled. She obviously gave herself the same chances I gave her. That was really cute. She's still shocked.

Oh God, tons of commercials-I've caught up so I can't fast forward, and I'm getting drowsy...

Jon Stewart playing Wii. Whyy? And Colin Farrell whines about how he almost tripped. He's chuffed! This song isn't really my thing, but it doesn't suck and there is no corny production number going on. So that's good. Still, I think I'm going to bed.

Okay. After Jack.He's smarmy. Best picture montage. Cavalcade won in 33. Same year as King Kong. Gone with the Wind in 39. Same year as Wizard of Oz. All about Eve...now that's a movie! Around the World in 80 Days? Gigi? Man there are som Duds in there. The Apartment rules, though. Lots of musicals there in the fifties and sixties. The French Connection, the Godfather, The Sting, Godfather 2...one of these things is not like the others... Man, the Deer Hunter is just a terrible movie. Couldn't they have found an actual Indian Guy to play Ghandi? Oy, the Last Emperor sucked too. Silence of the Lambs! Now we're talkin'! Shakespeare in Love I liked. American Beauty sucked. A beautiful Mind--just a travesty that that beat Fellowship of the Rings. The Departed was really good. And Here's Renee Zellwegger. Somebody's been hittin' the gym--she's workin on some Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 arms. Film editing..Oh, screw it, I really am going to bed.

Darkly Dreaming

My Lovely Wife and I are 8 episodes in to the first season of Dexter on DVD. This whole business of watching TV shows on DVD is a little odd--I find myself getting completely wrapped up in it, obsessed in a way taht you can't be when you have to live your life for a week between episodes. We've watched 5 episodes this week, and I'm just trying to think about when we're going to be able to carve out time to watch more.

I suppose I should say at the outset that this is not a show for everyone. I guess this is true of most of my favorite shows. I'm not sure what to make of this other than the fact that this is life in the 500-channels with nothing on universe, and maybe it's okay. Maybe the days of shows that are for everyone are over, and as long as it means I can get my foul-mouthed comedy (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) and VH1 Celebreality (Well, some of it, like Celebrity Rehab, and Celebrity Fit Club. Question--why is it that I can watch and enjoy Celebrity Rehab without guilt, but just seeing the promos for Rock of Love 2 makes me want to take a shower? Is there a difference in the type or quality of exploitation going on here, or is it just that I have a higher tolerance for watchign actual celebrities humiliate themselves, or have I just salved my conscience with the idea that at least something good could come out of Celebrity Rehab, whereas the best thing that could possibly come out of Rock of Love 2 would be to get cut on the first episode--otherwise you're in for many episodes of degradation and humiliation with only the promise of "love" with Brett Michaels or the fleeting, pathetic fame of the reality tv star.).

Where was I? Oh yeah, the benefits of the 500-channel universe include the fact that I can get a show about a serial killer who only kills bad guys who works as a blood-spatter expert for the Miami Police that is simultaneously the best cop show, family drama, and comedy I've seen in years. Yes, the humor is very dark, (I guess this is where the not for everybody part comes in--either that or all the severed body parts) but it is a really funny show. The cast is top-notch from top to bottom, and the writing is amazing. I'm in awe of the way the serial plot unfolds and the way little things about the supporting cast are revealed along the way. Thus heartless bitch Lt. Laguerta turns human, helpless mouse Rita grows a backbone, Angel's happy marriage turns out to be a lie, and, best of all, Dexter, who constantly proclaims his emptiness, isolation, and lack of emotion, turns out to be more human than he thinks he is.

I don't know if there's just an extraordinary amount of talent on the staff of this show or if this is what you're able to do when you're not trying to reach everyone, just freaks like me.

In Defense of The Wiz

Recently in Entertainment Weekly (which I read cover to cover every week--O, how much more erudite I would be if I could say the same of The New Yorker!), Sidney Lumet was going over all of his movies, and he proclaimed The Wiz to be a disaster.

Leafing through this week's EW, I see that The Wiz has been rereleased on DVD. EW, generally not a very hard grader, gives it a D-. (Just as a point of comparison, the first two seasons of Perfect Strangers on DVD get a C+. So apparently EW thinks sitting through about 20 hours of Larry and Balki, which sounds like a Gitmo-esque enhanced interrogation technique to me, is preferable to The Wiz. Remind me not to go to movie night at these guys' houses!)

I gotta say, I'm puzzled by all of this. I saw The Wiz when I was in, I guess 5th or 6th grade and loved it. And all my friends loved it. I attended an urban public school, and it wasn't unusual to find kids walking down the hall singing "Ease on Down the Road." Even tough kids! (Though the '70's was a far less tolerant time than now in many respects, it was, I think, a little easier to be an urban kid then; there wasn't this dominant thug image that everybody felt like they had to live up to, so there were just more acceptable ways to be. And so it was entirely possible to sing a song originally sung by Diana Ross and Michael Jackson at top volume in the halls of or on the bus to Clifton Elementary without getting your ass kicked. I haven't set foot in Clifton Elementary in twenty-eight years, but I strongly suspect the same may not be true today.)

I saw The Wiz twice in theaters, because this was the era when only rich people had VCRs. (true! If you wanted to see the a semi-old Hollyrock movie, you had to stick your feet through the floor of your car and make it go to the drive-in, where your pet dinosaur would poke his head through the roof!).

But I grew up, and I recognized that things I liked as a youth may not have stood the test of time. (For example, I made the kids watch Twins with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito. "It's really funny!" I said. After about twenty minutes, they said, "This sucks! This is the worst movie ever!" and I couldn't really disagree, but that was only because I didn't feel like explaining about The Unbearable Lightness of Being. But you won't be so lucky: guy cheats on his wife. Three hours later, they die.)

So we got the DVD a while back (not the new fancy special edition or anything--just the bare bones, just the movie, no special features, what the hell do you want for ten bucks edition.) And I have to say the movie holds up remarkably well. Yes Diana Ross was too old to play Dorothy. I mean way too old. I mean like Stockard Channing in Grease too old. But Michael Jackson is really very good as the Scarecrow, and he sings wonderfully. Nipsey Russell as the Tinman proves there's more to him than Match Game, and Richard Pryor turns in a really great performance as the twitchy, craven Wiz.

Best of all, the movie looks great--every location in Oz is imagined as a kind of fantasy version of New York. (This element is singled out for scorn in EW: "Oz as New York slum", they sniff, but that's the whole point of the freaking movie! ) So the Tinman lives under the rollercoaster at Coney Island, and the flying Monkeys chase our heroes around the ramps at Shea (or possibly Yankee, and both are the home of New York baseball teams, so really who cares) Stadium, and there is a really creepy scene where the pillars in a subway station detach and start chasing everybody. Yes, it's a dark, weird, and vaguely threatening vision of New York, but having been to New York in the 70's, I can tell you that reality was darker, weirder, and even more threatening.

So it's a really cool-looking, imaginative movie with a great supporting cast (did I mention Lena Horne as Glinda), great music, and, okay, a lead who's a little long in the tooth, but still, what's not to love?

I'm Not in Favor of This

Okay, so I'm an old, old man. I am reminded of this on an almost daily basis, since I've chosen to live in a neighborhood with a relatively high percentage of young, tattooed, artist hipsters.

Now, don't get me wrong; I love living and working among the young artsty types. They make the neighborhood interesting and cool, and they allow me to live the way I like to live--as one of the dorkiest people among cool people. (I get really uncomfortable when I'm the coolest person in the room--that indicates a near-lethal level of dorkification.)

So, yeah, the youngsters are cool, they make interesting art, they make this a fun place to live.

But.

There's this new trend among the twentysomething, skinny-jeaned, thrift-store clad guys: the freakin' Grizzly Adams beard. For the life of me, I can't understand why a young, otherwise good-looking man wants to look like an Old Testament prophet.

And, even more shockingly, these guys almost always have attractive young women with them. Here's a photo I found on Creative Commons that illustrates this trend:

So, not only are the young men of today choosing the "crazy ol' hermit who lives in a shack" look, apparently the young women of today crave nothing more than a man with lots of hair growing out of his neck.

Is this the fault of music artists like Band of Horses or Iron & Wine?

Or are these guys just part of the trend? I don't know, but I'd like to perform a service for these young people I'm fond of. So consider this a little time capsule for those of you who are twentysomething hipsters circa 2008. In ten, fifteen, twenty years, you will look at pictures of yourself sporting a bushy neck beard, or perhaps on the arm of your neck-bearded beau, and you'll say, "Oh My God! Did we really look that ridiculous, or did people actually think that was a cool look?" You really looked that ridiculous. It wasn't a cool look. I'm sorry.

My Endorsement

Today is Super Tuesday, and I'll be heading to the strange cylindrical nursing home down the street to cast my ballot later on today.

So it's time for the coveted Girl in a Cage Political Endorsements. Yes, American Punditry, you can stop guessing now: this blog endorses Barack Obama for president.

(It should be understood that I will be voting for the Democratic nominee in November and that I prefer Hillary Clinton to John McCain or Mitt Romney or Mike (cue cuckoo clock sound, like I'm a morning radio host or something) Huckabee.)

Here are my reasons:

1.The purely strategic. Hillary Clinton fires up the Republican base. If she is the nominee, Republican voters will come out in force to vote against someone they hate. They don't hate Obama like that. Also, if Republican voters have the sense to pick McCain over Romney (which they probably will--the more you see of Romney, the more you realize he's nothing more than a very ambitious haircut), Hillary Clinton just doesn't match up well against McCain in a general election. McCain is beloved of independent voters; Hillary Clinton is beloved of the people who will vote for any democratic nominee. I really believe a vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote for a McCain presidency.

2.Leadership. Our next president is going to have a hard time cleaning up Shrub's mess, and will have to tell us some hard truths about what it's going to take to get us out of Iraq and stop the seas from covering the land. Hillary Clinton has been an accessory to the Bush agenda in the Senate. They call this "triangulation"--take your base for granted and try to suck up to the people who hate you. There's no reason to believe that she'll stop this as president. Which means vote for Clinton and get McCain's Iraq policy anyway. There's no question that both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are intelligent; I just trust Obama to make politically courageous decisions. I believe Obama will have the courage to make potentially unpopular decisions.

3.This is America, Dammit. Are you telling me in 20 years, a country of 300 million people can only offer members of 2 families as president? We tried dynastic politics for the last 8 years, and it was an unqualified disaster.

4.Security and Prestige. I just think it's going to be harder to convince much of the world that we're The Great Satan if we have the son of a Kenyan immigrant at the helm. Obama represents the best of what this country can be, and, indeed, of our multicultural, multiracial future. After 8 years of showing the world the worst of us--a dumb, arrogant, entitled white guy spouting we're number 1 yahooism--I think it'll be a refreshing change to have Obama at the helm

5.The Gooey Inspiration Thing. In my entire life, I've never been inspired by a political leader. You can write this stuff off as ephemeral or unimportant, but I think we are capable of great things if we have a leader who inspires hope rather than cynicism. Any of the other choices invite More of the Same; Obama alone I think has the opportunity to bring about something really new and good in our politics.

So there you have it. Get out and vote, as long as you're voting the way I tell you to.

Obligatory Superbowl Wrapup

Okay. First off, I'll say that I was rooting for the Patriots. I am not, however, distraught today, because I've had some unfortunate opportunities to get perspective on stuff like this. Nothing important in my life is different than it was yesterday. Also, I'm not as into football as I used to be.

And, as a writer, I have to say the Giants win is just a better story. Especially the whole "QB forever in the shadow of his more famous and talented brother now has the same number of Super Bowl Wins as said more famous and talented brother because apparently he doesn't have the same tendency to choke in big games." That's a good story. And so is disrupting a coronation. The 80's was the height of my football fandom, and those were the years when the Super Bowl might have been rechristened "The NFC Coronation." I was a Bengals fan then, and it was not a lot of fun watching them lose to the heavily-favored 49ers. Twice. And the Patriots' first and best Super Bowl win came against a heavily-favored Rams team. That game was supposed to be a coronation, and it was that much sweeter because it wasn't. I knew the Rams were in trouble when they were introduced star by star and then the Patriots came out and were introduced as a team. I knew the Patriots were in trouble last night when the Giants took the field in those ugly-ass uniforms.
Anyway, it was a good game.

On to the halftime show. While I like the way the Superbowl halftime show is going, with just a mini-concert instead of a stupid song-and-dance extravaganza, I was a little disappointed in Tom Petty's performance. I've only seen him in concert once, back in 89, and it appears not much has changed. The songs are good, but the guy just doesn't have much performance mojo. So what we got last night was a lot of "old guys stand around." (Mike Campbell was the only one who seemed to have any rockstar performing mojo, and he, perhaps not coincidentally, is aging way better than everybody else in the band.) You can say this about U2, Prince, and even the Geriatric Stones, just to reference three recent Superbowl performers--every time they take the stage, they bring it. I'm not sure what "it" I'm referring to, but I know Tom Petty not only didn't bring it, he looked like he didn't even know what it was.

Still, the songs were good, but, if I can geek out a little bit, the mix was horrible. Tom, unlike many of his contemporaries, does not appear to have ruined his voice, but, let's be honest here, his voice wasn't that great to begin with. So a sound mix that has Tom's vocals all the way up and the guitar sound playing faintly in the background doesn't really play to the strengths of the band. I did like the way the guitar impaled the heart at the beginning, though. That was cool...

Addicted to Celebrity Rehab

Okay. I've previously outed myself as a big fan of VH1's Celebrity Rehab. It may be the best reality show since season one of Temptation Island (remember when they showed Billy the video of Mandy doing body shots off that guy and licking his nipple? Good times.)

But nothing prepared me for the bombshell that was this week's episode. For those of you not following this as closely as I am--well, you are missing probably the most compelling hour on TV right now, but okay, Mr. High and Mighty, I'll catch you up.

Six "celebrities" you've never heard of, plus Brigitte Nielsen, a Baldwin brother (Daniel) and Jeff Conaway of Taxi and Grease fame check into a rehab center in Pasadena run by Dr. Drew Pinsky, who I guess has a radio show, but I'd never heard of him. (except on his all too brief appearance on Celebrity Fit Club, when he kicked Jeff off the show and told him he needed to get to rehab or die.)

So you get to watch them puke as they go through withdrawal, eavesdrop on the most interesting parts of their group therapy sessions, and perhaps develop a crush on Shelly, the bespectacled cutie/hardass recovering addict staff member who takes no shit from anybody. Well, maybe that last part is just me. (though I don't think so. Shifty definitely has a crush on her too. )

O, how do I love this show--it's impossible to count the ways. It's amazing to see how completely full of shit addicts are, how diligently they can lie to themselves and others. It is actually very sad and moving to hear about the horrors most of these people went through. And then there's Daniel Baldwin, the charismatic loudmouth who affects a father figure pose and inexplicably got all huffy and said wet t-shirts were not conducive to his sobriety when two young women jumped in the pool. Oh, he got all high and mighty about how he has to respect his wife, and then, it was revealed after he left, he'd been sending dirty text messages and "pictures of himself" to the porn star! Ecch, what a sleazebag!

I know at least three of the patients have relapsed since the show was taped, which I suppose isn't that big of a surprise, statistically speaking. I know I should be feeling guilty about how much I like this show, but I totally don't. And I can't wait for the next episode to see how all the fallout from Daniel Baldwin's douchebaggery plays out.

Crows: Nature's Playa Haters

This isn't really about pop culture, but I figure if Neil at Texas Liberal can do marine animal posts along with his political posts and get way more traffic than I do, I can pass along this bit of amateur naturalism.

One of the greatest things about where I live is my proximity to Franklin Park. I could go on at great length about the Park, and I'd like to, but I think that's a magazine article or possibly nonfiction book, so I'll just say I really love it. It's allowed me to connect with other dog owners (as John Bender would say, demented and sad, but social), and I've had a lot of creative inspiration walking through the woods there.

Anyway, one of my favorite things about walking in the park is how often I get to see hawks close-up. There are several hawks that live in the park, and they are simply the coolest things there by far. It's not uncommon for me to get within 10 or 15 feet of one. Birds of prey are right up there with baseball and fatherhood on the list of things that inspire purple prose, so I know I must tread carefully, but these birds are beautiful, awe-inspiring, and, best of all from my perspective as a resident of the neighborhood, they keep the rodent population down. (I feel kinda bad for the bunnies, but the more squirrels, rats, and mice they kill the better as far as I'm concerned.)

But here's the weird thing--hawks are harassed by crows all the time. Just yesterday I saw a hawk swoop right past me and perch in a tree. He sat there just reveling in his own magnificence for a minute until a few crows, with their loud, ugly cries, came after him and chased him off, cawing loudly all the way.

So I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with these birds? Crows are scavengers, so they need predators like hawks to drop a squirrel intestine now and then for them to munch on! Surely they can't depend on roadkill and disease alone! They must actually depend on the hawks. And yet, they harass 'em all the time.

There's only one explanation. Crows are nature's playa haters. Sure, they need the hawks, but they can't stand the fact that the hawks get more attention and love. It's true--people will stand still and gaze in rapt silence at a hawk, but nobody even notices when a lowly crow swings by. The crows just can't stand the fact that somebody else is prettier, stronger, and more successful than they are. Were this a video blog, I might don some mascara, lie on a sheet and cry, "Leave the hawks alone! Leave them alooooone!". But, sadly, I don't think the crows would listen. Haters!