Extensive viewing of Christmas specials and movies has revealed that they all fall into one of three categories, message-wise: 1.Explicitly religious. 2. Believe in Santa! Don't Think For Yourself! Obey! and 3.Don't Be an Asshole.
1. You might think that there would be a lot of shows and specials about how Christmas commemorates the birth of Jesus, but they are actually few and far between. Probably Rankin/Bass's Little Drummer Boy, though I don't really remember that one. But given the source material, it would be pretty hard to make it not religious. Other than that, you've got A Charlie Brown Christmas, in which, yes, there are funny dances and a tiny tree, but also Linus quoting scripture to define the meaning of Christmas. Maybe there are some Veggie Tales ones that are explicitly religious, but Born-Again vegetables give me the willies.
2.The most hateful of all potential morals of the Christmas movie or special. I suppose this starts with Miracle on 34th Street (Starring cute as a button Natalie Wood, before she grew up to be hot and self-destructive!), which is okay--I guess it starts with the idea that Santa is a symbol for the spirit of Christmas. But what you end up with are mean-spirited paeans to conformity like The Polar Express, in which a creepy, waxy-skinned CGI boy meets several versions of creepy, waxy-skinned CGI Tom Hanks and learns that he was wrong not to believe in Santa. Similarly, The Year Without a Santa Claus, in which Santa is a petulant little bitch who whines because nobody loves him, and Iggy, who is shown throughout to be a decent kid, is shown that he really should believe in Santa via a really horrible song that his dad sings. Also we learn that Mother Nature has two babydaddies and the weather is controlled by a couple of feuding guys with a penchant for musical theater, one of whom is literally flaming. Even Elf, which I kind of like because it's the best ripoff of Big ever made, (And because Ed Asner plays Santa--genius casting! He's bringing a bag full of democratic socialism this year!) ends up with this clap for Tinkerbell, you must believe in Santa garbage. Note that while adorable Zooey Deschanel leads the bystanders in "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," members of the crowd carry readable, recognizable Bloomingdale's bags. The message is clear--don't question the secular meaning of Christmas--show your spirit by shopping! (Though, of course, if there really was a Santa, nobody would have to shop.) I don't get why adults make these movies. Fear of their children learning to think for themselves, perhaps.
3. Chuck Dickens laid down the blueprint for the "Don't Be An Asshole" Christmas special in his classic A Christmas Carol. (I like the Muppet version. Also Scrooged is good. And the very special episode of WKRP where Mr. Carlson meets three ghosts, including Venus Flytrap as the ghost of Christmas past. Good times.) This is my favorite of the Christmas movie themes, because it's non-dogmatic. Believe whatever the hell you want, it seems to say, just don't be an asshole. I suppose we could call these the Unitarian Christmas specials. Anyway, besides A Christmas Carol, you've got It's a Wonderful Life, How The Grinch Stole Christmas (Chuck Jones' animated version--I've never seen the live-action atrocity and hope to never see it.)--I especially like How The Grinch Stole Christmas because it's revealed that there is no Santa! True!--The Grinch steals empty stockings along with the presents! If Santa were coming to Whoville, the Grinch would have been unable to steal Christmas!. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, despite taking place in the Santa mileiu, is actually a don't be an asshole story. I like this one because Santa himself is one of the assholes! The only Don't Be an Asshole story I don't care for is Santa Claus is Coming to Town, which is a Santa Origin story that reveals that Santa started delivering toys in order to defeat a humorless Jew. (Yeah, sure, Burgermeister Meisterburger isn't named as a Jew, but that accent--come on! He might as well be fryin' up a plate o' latkes!) Perhaps this one actually belongs to its own, fourth, and especially ugly genre: Don't Be An Asshole, Jew!
So there it is, my holiday special roundup, and to all my readers, I want to deliver the following holiday message from the bottom of my heart: don't be an asshole! (I'll try that too.)
