Note: So the bookselling chains have declined to stock my fabulous young adult novel, How Ya Like Me Now, because they are punk-ass bitches. (Note to Borders and B&N buyers: I kid! I kid because I love!) So now I'm beginning my campaign of shameless pandering to the people who can really make a difference in my sales. Ahem.
I've always liked It's a Wonderful Life, and I think it's a shame that it's no longer on every station every day around Christmastime. Still, there's always been one part that bothered me. It's near the end, when Clarence tells George that Mary is just closing up the library, and George goes running over and practically assaults the poor woman who has no idea who he is. Mary's becoming a librarian is supposed to be the unkindest cut of all, the thing that really convinces George that he should have been born. I've always thought this was tremendously unfair to librarians, and I'd rewrite it thusly:
CLARENCE
She's just closing up the library!
Ext. Potterville Public Library. Night. MARY, a thirtysomething caged tigress of a librarian, locks up the library and walks down the sidewalk. George and Clarence watch, and George whistles appreciatively.
GEORGE
Damn, Clarence! I'd tap that!
CLARENCE
But you can't tap that, George! I told you, you've never been born!
GEORGE
Noooooooooo! I want to live, Clarence! Please, Clarence!
Etc. etc., Hee Haw and Merry Christmas, love Sam Wainwright, here's to my brother the richest man in town, blah blah. The point is, librarians have been unfairly caricatured as pinched spinsters, and its well past time that these bespectacled beauties, these saucy succubi of the stacks were given the recognition they deserve for pursuing The World's Sexiest Profession. Why, when my friend Eric was a librarian, it was all I could do to remain heterosexual!
In short, Librarians Are Sexy.
(To any librarians who happen to be reading. If you enjoyed this blog entry, please read and recommend my YA novel, How Ya Like Me Now. Should you feel so moved, you could nominate it for the ALA's Best Books for Young Adults. And not just because I've buttered you up, but because it's a damn good book. Seriously. An award would really help my sales.)
(If, on the other hand, you found this blog entry offensive and/or patronizing, I feel I should inform you that the whole thing was Louis Sachar's idea. Blame him. And, you know what? Why not give my books his shelf space, just to teach him a lesson?)
