So the kids really wanted to watch Epic Movie, which just came out on DVD. 
It's one of these things like "Scary Movie" that sends up the conventions of a genre of movie. In this case, The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe was the skeleton, and parts of Pirates of the Carribean, Nacho Libre(?), Harry Potter, Snakes on a Plane, Willy Wonka, and a couple of other things were attached, Frankenstein-like.
Now, let me be clear--I love a dumb, fun movie as much as, if not more than, the next guy. I went into this with low, low expectations. I figured I'd pass a painless 90 minutes occasionally giggling at fart jokes and the like. I like Crispin Glover, Kal Penn, Jennifer Coolidge, Tony Cox and Fred Willard. How bad could it be? As the minutes dragged by, though, I sat there stone-faced. I knew we were in trouble when the menu came up, introduced by the Narnia beaver, who says, "Hi! I'm Harry Beaver." Get it?
Scary Movie is Citizen freaking Kane compared to this movie. I think it may actually be the worst movie I have ever seen. And I saw Surf Nazis Must Die. I have a soft spot for movies that aim low and hit the mark perfectly, but a movie with no ambition at all to be anything but dumb fun that misses even that low mark is just a contemptible piece of crap. Every joke is recycled, either from another, better movie, or the fourth-grade playground.
Fortunately, about halfway through the movie (only about 45 minutes, but it felt like three hours), the kids started screaming because we had a bat in the living room. I cornered him in a room upstairs and spent the next forty-five minutes or so catching him. It looked a lot like this, at least in my memory: 
(Aside: How to Catch a Bat! Close the doors and open the windows of whatever room the bat is occupying. Though they can get into your house through a half-inch gap in the soffit (or wherever, but I like saying soffit), they will be unable to find and exit through the open windows. Watch as they circle the room for a while. Step outside, making sure not to let the bat out of the room. Hit the bathroom, get a snack, check in on the incredible piece of shit movie your family is watching, and head back to the room where the bat is circling. Eventually--after maybe 20 minutes or so--the bat will tire of circling. When you peek your head in and assume the moron actually found the open windows, don't be fooled! He's perching somewhere. Once you find his perch--high up on a wall, or in a corner, or both, you can approach pretty nonchalantly--he can't see you, after all--and slap a shoebox or some similiar container on him. I used a clear plastic shoebox. The bat may or may not begin to screech at this point. This is alarming but harmless. Slide a cover between the box and the wall, head to the open window and chuck the bat into the night.)
Now, under normal circumstances, I would have been really annoyed to have a flying rodent in my house while I was trying to watch a movie, but in this case, I was nothing but grateful. I spoke in a calm voice as I stalked my prey, saying, "Okay! Are you ready to get the hell out of my house? Good! You don't want to be here, and I don't want you here. Thank you, though, for saving me from that movie."
So once again, I'd like to thank the bat for allowing me to get out of watching what may well be the worst movie of all time, and if anyone ever tries to make you watch this movie, all I can say is that I hope a bat flies into your house too.














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