Girl in a Cage

In The Belly of the Mouse, Part 2

Animal Kingdom: I loved it. Everything was green and beautiful there. And yeah, the Africa and Asia parts are phony, but they look great. For that matter, the big tree in the middle is phony too, but that also looks great.

I disregarded the warning outside of the Dinosaur ride: "Warning! This ride contains images of Phylicia Rashad. May be too intense for those who remember The Cosby Show." I was glad I did--rumbling along in the dark trying to pick up a dino before the meteor hits while evil animatronic dinos tried to eat us. Fantastic.

Expedition Everest was also great--a great coaster with a shaggy 15-foot yeti who took a swipe at us. And yet, sadly, I think I've aged out of roller coasters. I still love the idea, but my stomach really hates the reality.

We rode the safari ride, and it was really cool to see all the animals, but I wasn't sure why we needed the cornball plot about chasing down the poachers. Especially because the plot involves one of the real elephants you've just seen getting shot. I mean, this is reported, not acted out, but I still found it creepy. And then, after seeing a real baby elephant, we're supposed to ooh and aah at the animatronic baby elephant in the back of the truck.

Best quote of the day, from a smiling "Cast member": "We're sorry folks, Africa's closed."

Days 3 and 4 were Magic Kingdom days, and we rode all the old favorites: Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Carribean (now featuring an eerily lifelike animatronic Johnny Depp!), Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, etc. etc. I enjoyed the Buzz Lightyear ride quite a bit.

We all rode "It's a Small World," and my lovely wife enjoyed it, in a nostalgic kinda way, while the kids and I were creeped out. It's definitely an eerie ride. All I could think of the whole time was the dolls turning evil and singing that song as they tried to kill us. Then, in the gift shop, I saw a book called Kindgom Keepers by Ridley Pearson in which something very like that happens. So it's not just me!

Overall, I was not my usual grumpy cynical self on this trip. (Though I did score a t-shirt that pretty well sums up my philosophy of life: "I'm Grumpy because you're Dopey." Brilliant.) The theme park vacation was a big winner. I mean, yeah, I know the whole thing is a money-making venture, but any vacation place is designed to vacuum out your wallet, but they really do more than they have to to make sure things are beautiful and clean and entertaining--you're not just padding around on hot tarmac and getting spun around by big machines, as you are at some places. (Cough--Kingsisland--cough!) . So, yeah, they are a big corporation, but they're so rich because they are damn good at what they do.

In The Belly of the Mouse, Part 1

I haven't blogged for a while because I was....in the belly of the mouse. I figure pretty much any encounter with the Disney corporation counts as popular culture, so here goes.

We arrived at the Orlando Airport. Let me say at the outset that yes, I threw all my fears about my family's carbon footprint to the ever-hotter winds and just had four days of fun. Now I'm back to the land of 17-degree mornings and compact flourescents. So sue me.

Anyway, we took the Disney's Magical Express to the hotel. It was a bus. Not so very magical, but, I suppose slightly more magical than standing in line at the budget rent-a-car counter. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, which is just one of the most amazing beautiful places I've ever stayed. We really could look out on giraffes and zebras and pelicans and such right from our window. Cool!

Took the bus over to MGM studios (they're all about the buses there at Uncle Walt's world. I gotta say, I think they should've done more monorails.). The boy, one of the girls, and My Lovely Wife rode the Rock n' Roller Coaster starring Aerosmith. I was too terrified of it--I thought I might have to hear "I don't want to miss a thing." Actually, I can't go on rides with loops and corkscrews without vomiting. I rode the Great Movie Ride, or something--we rode through animatronic scenes from various movies. It was okay. The boy loved the coaster, everybody else felt it might have been a little too much. We saw a number of shows and attractions, all of which were okay--I mean, we had a really nice time walking around in 74-degree weather in February, and everything is beautiful, and it was nice to be there. But, overall, MGM studios was kind of eh. Most of the place is done up like this ersatz hollywood in the 40's thing--like Roger Rabbit without toontown. And, like I said, it was fine, but it didn't knock my socks off.

I found at MGM Studios the same thing I would find throughout all the Disney properties--high quality vegetarian food options everywhere! Go Walt!

Back to the hotel, where there were African drummers in the lobby and we collapsed in our respective beds. Stay tuned for more adventures....In the belly of the mouse!

The last post about The Historian

So I finally finished Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian. I liked it, but I certainly didn't love it the way I did for the first 250 pages or so. For one thing, the book slowed way, way down when they were trekking around Eastern Europe. I think she could have trimmed about a hundred pages from that part of the book quite profitably. And the story within a story within a story got pretty puzzling. (While traveling, I read a letter from my father about a letter from Professor Rossi about a letter from some historical figure, etc. etc.)

And then there are a few plot holes. (Major, major, book-ruining spoilers ahead! Turn back now, or face the consequences!) Okay, so, if I get this right, Dracula made the dragon books to give to historians so they would get interested in him, and then he killed people around them to frighten them off as some kind of test so that the ones who didn't get frightened off would pursue them of their own free will. So that he could get an undead librarian. (?) Helen's "I fell thirty feet to the rocks below and hit my head on the rocks but was unharmed and wandered off in a daze." Weak! Hugh "Deus Ex Machina" James shows up at the end, but his story was so nested in other stories that I forgot who the hell he was. And why didnt' they go after Dracula and his library the first time they were there? So Helen spends decades wandering around Europe looking for Dracula when she knew he was in the French monastery all along? So basically the whole climax of the book turns on a bunch of wildly improbable and/or incomprehensible events. Feh. Still a good book, but it could have been an excellent book.

In Praise of Sincerity, Part 2

So a while back, I opined that maybe it was okay to be earnest and sincere under certain circumstances, such as the global climate crisis. And yet, I made some little joke about getting my produce from an organic farm, because I didn't want to look like I was so uncool that I actually really cared about this stuff.

So, to paraphrase Devo, I'm through being cool. Even Congress is finally admitting that global warming is real, but this isn't a problem we can afford to wait for them to solve. We have a responsibility to do stuff as individuals to reduce our carbon emissions.

Now, I am a lazy bastard and, like most people, will wait until the sea is lapping at my door to make the drastic lifestyle changes I probably should make right now, but I have been doing a lot of little stuff. I mean, nobody wants to do the big stuff, but we can all do the little stuff. So here's all the little stuff I'm doing. I'm not suggesting you should do these little things, because what's a little, easy thing for me (like not eating meat) might be a big deal for you. But you really need to do some little things. My list is just to show that I'm not always a tongue-in-cheek smartass, and I really do care about this stuff.

1. I gave up eating meat (I did this in 1991, but it was an environmental decision then, so I'm counting it.)

2. In the summer and fall, I get my produce from a local organic farm. Better for the planet if my tomatoes come from 50 miles away instead of 1000.

3.I compost my food scraps and leaves. I'm not a gardener or anything, but I occasionally spread a shovelful of the stuff on my bushes. It's easy to do and saves a huge amount of solid waste. I got the composter for 30 bucks.

4.I work at home or at a coffee shop a mile away. If I'm going to the coffee shop, I walk or bike whenever I can--all the time in nice weather, about half the time in the winter. My wife works a mile away from home.

5.I canceled my newspaper subscription and read the news online. No more piles of papers to recycle.

6.I bought a travel mug to fill when I get coffee out. I figure I'll probably save hundreds of cups per year this way.

7.I'm unplugging all my cell phone and computer chargers when they're not in use.

8. I've put compact flourescents in every fixture in my house that will take them.

9. I've gotten kind of fanatical about turning lights off when nobody's in the room. I'm annoying the children with this one, so I must be doing something right.

10. I've signed up for online billing for many of my bills--saving the paper, etc. This one, though, was primarily an organizational move--I can keep track of emails, mostly, but actual paper envelopes disappear with shocking rapidity.

11. We bought all energy star appliances when we moved into our house, and we wash our clothes in cold water.

12.Lo-flow shower heads. These have gotten so much better than the pathetic misting showerheads we had when I was in college. You can get a real shower with way less water.

13. I'm downloading all my music instead of buying CDs, and I'm burning far fewer CDs than I used to.

Well, there are more, but that's just the first thirteen I could think of. Now, there are many many more things I can and should be doing, and I'm not some holier-than-thou eco-warrior. I'm flying the whole family to an undisclosed location sometime soon, my house is an energy sieve that needs new windows, among other energy-saving improvements, and I drive a minivan that gets absolutely crap gas mileage. But I'm doing the little stuff I can do without too much effort. There are more tips here, though some of them are kinda suspect (there are a couple that are like "read this or that book".). And now, back to our regularly scheduled pop culture-focused smartassism.

You're No Mickey Dolenz

If you are of a certain age, you probably know people who have precocious kids. You go over to dinner at their house and they trot the precocious kids out to do some tricks, and only the parents of the precocious kids don't realize that these kids are actually annoying and kind of creepy rather than entertaining and cute.

Now, if this happens in your personal life, you can just cross these people off your list, but what if one of the parents in question is a tv star, and she creates a show around her annoying kids? And what if your own kids become obsessed with it? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nickelodeon's The Naked Brothers Band.

I get why the kids are obsessed with it--it's about kids their age who are rock stars. But there's so much to dislike here, starting with the lead singer's thin, annoying voice (yeah, he's a kid, but some kids can sing.). I find it disturbing that a mom creates a show in which her sons star as characters with their same names who have an absent or possibly dead mom. Dad is a clueless buffoon, but she's given the dads some eye candy in the form of the faux-tattooed tutor, Jessie, a 20-something hottie whom the 9 year old keeps wanting to be his girlfriend and/or wife. Not sure what's supposed to make watching this less painful for moms, as there's no male equivalent. Maybe moms are just supposed to delight in the cute precociousness of those adorable little boys.

The blueprint for a wacky faux-behind-the-scenes rock band comedy was laid down over 40 years ago in Help! and continued in the Monkees tv show. But here is a crucial difference between those and the Naked Brothers Band (apart from talented singers and songwriters)-- adults acting childlike: funny. Children acting adultlike: creepy!

My only solace is that star/tween heartthrob Nat should be hitting puberty soon, and then hopefully zits and a head too big for his body will end this show's popularity. I'm ready to ship the kid some hormone supplements just to accelerate the process.

Kids in America (whoa-oh)

I am in love with the Hold Steady's new album Boys and Girls in America.

The title tells you that we're in the land of Big Statements (or possibly the land of Kim Wilde. I suppose those lands are actually very far away from each other), and this is a land that makes me very nervous. Because, let's face it, most bands just don't have the talent to make a Big Statement. Yes, I am thinking of My Chemical Romance (I like the eyeliner and the Sgt. Peppers jackets, though), but there are many many more examples. The road to hell is paved with ambitious failures, attempted Big Statements by small talents. Or maybe just by artists with big talents in other areas besides Big Statements. (Ever hear Sting's "They Dance Alone" Oy.)
(I was thinking today about the Apples In Stereo's Velocity of Sound, which is a fantastic 30-minute burst of power pop. Not nearly a big statement, but nearly perfect.)

And there's a keyboard part on the album opener "Stuck Between Stations" that announces we're in
Springsteen territory, which also makes me kind of nervous. I mean, I like Bruce, but other people have fallen down trying to ape him (Mellencamp only got good when he stopped trying to be Bruce). But, as the album goes on, it turns out we're in Springsteen territory in the best possible way: an artist who is taking a little slice of life and making it their own, chronicling a time and a place and a people. Even Bruce isn't really very good at this anymore--the guy's been a rock star for 30 years, and he's just not hitting with the tales of hard luck Jerseyites like he used to. (I know, I know, this is heretical and probably makes Bin Laden smile, but I didn't really like The Rising. There, I said it.)

Anyway, track after track we visit the same kind of drugged-out hard-luck punks that populated their previous album, Separation Sunday, but this time the lead singer decided to actually sing some melodies instead of just growling his lyrics (Good call!). It's a huge difference, and if Separation Sunday was a little monotonous, Boys and Girls in America has highs and lows, louds and quiets. The lyrics remain brilliant--"She was a really great kisser and she wasn't all that strict of a Christian," for example, or, "They started kissing when the nurses took out their IV's. It was kinda sexy but kinda creepy." (This one's from one of my favorite tracks "Chill Out Tent," which is kind of a drug-addled "Summer Nights." Is it a depressing tale of disconnected druggies having a sordid hook up? Or is it about a wonderful moment of connection in a life of disconnection and depression? Why not both?)

This is a hugely talented band and a fantastic record. And the whole album is good, which, in this era of downloadable singles, almost never happens anymore.

Second Thoughts

Some more thoughts on subjects that I've talked about previously:

After some more listens to Hank III's Straight to Hell, I have to say it's gone down in my estimation. "Pills I Took" remains great, as do many of the beer drinkin', pill-poppin', weed-smokin', hell-raisin' songs. But, I mean, the fact that mainstream country music sucks is not really a subject that deserves four songs. Maybe one--let's say "Dick in Dixie". But, I mean, four? Not only is this a fundamentally not very interesting conflict--it's like office politics writ large--but I feel like he's kind of preaching to the choir. I'm guessing there are not too many people who own both the latest Hank III release and, say, the latest Toby Keith release. And yeah, Kid Rock does suck, but the sky is also blue. Why waste a verse in any song stating such an obvious truth? Having said that, Kid Rock does not suck because he's a Yank, as Hank asserts. When I think about recent country songs I've really liked, at least two--"Pony" by Kasey Chambers and "Horrible Day" by Frank Black, are not by southerners. Well, I guess Kasey Chambers may be from south Australia, but it's not really the same thing.

I may have underestimated the genius of Dirt. It appears to be the filthiest show on tv right now, and I for one relish my weekly vicarious wallow in the depravity of Hollywood's seamy underbelly. Secretly Gay action star gets blown by his personal trainer while working out! Drug-addled sapphic romps as Julia descends into addiction! Ingenue reporter transforming into hardass bitch! R&B singer's head in a jar! Publisher threatened with having his penis cut off, cooked and fed to him. By Wayne Brady! Oh, my love for this show is boundless.

Still reading The Historian, but it's no longer the unputdownable page turner it was 200 pages ago. It settled into a much slower pace, and the story within a story within a story within a story gets kind of confusing and frustrating. I'm having a hard time remembering who's where and why.

The White Rapper Show is still really entertaining, and I loved seeing Serch raking Jon Boy, Sullee and John Brown over the coals for their cheesy video with them throwing cash at scantily-clad women. Though his outrage over Jon Boy doing his verse from between the legs of one of the models seemed somewhat misplaced since just last week they were supposed to create music for strippers to pole dance to. I'm just saying. My prediction: Persia over Shamrock when it comes down to the final two. Though I still love John Brown. Right now the greatest thinga bout him is how he keeps saying "Halleluyah Hollaback" all the time. Sometimes he says it in the one on one interviews, and it's clear from the way he looks that he thinks he's just said something really profound, when he hasn't really said anything at all. There's just something charming about how completely oblivious he is.

Prince at the Superbowl

My thoughts on Prince at the Superbowl, live as it happens, with a few overdubs.

"We Will Rock You"? Why? Queen/Prince royalty theme?

Overheard in my living room: "He's wearing a womanly do-rag!"

Prince is not in very fine vocal form.

I wonder if he'd be wearing that if it wasn't raining?

Symbol stage looks cool.

The song has totally gone south, but that guitar solo is kicking my ass.

Marching band for "Baby I'm a Star." Great. So now we're doing Tusk-era Fleetwood Mac. I'm not in favor.

Proud Mary. Prince covering CCR. I would like to see "Don't Look Now, It Ain't You or Me," or maybe "Effigy." Even "Fortunate Son." Still timely. I mean, I know he's really covering Tina Turner covering CCR, but still.

You can put glo-tape on a marching band, but that doesn't make em cool.

Now he's covering Hendrix covering Dylan. I think he's fixin' to tear it up with another blistering solo.

Nope.

I don't recognize this song. I wonder if it's from the Jehovah's Witness Jazz album. Just kidding. Hey, isnt' this a Foo Fighters song? Kind of a strange choice.

He's got some performance mojo, but the medley...I don't know. And pullin' out the occasional cover is great, but 3? It's not like the guy doesn't have a catalog of his own songs...he could have gotten Janet Jackson-size publicity by playing "Erotic City" or "Feel U Up" or "Head".

"Purple Rain". Do we have 9 more minutes? Hey, the do-rag is gone, and his do looks Under-The-Cherry-Moon fabulous. What are those guys doing with the bass drums?

Okay, the billowing scrim during the solo is f'n cool. Jesus, this guy can play the guitar. The marching band has got to go.

What the hell--I mean, that was like a seriously truncated Purple Rain. Hell of an appropriate choice as everybody gets soaked, though. Geez--somebody turn his guitar up! He's soloing and all I can hear are the freaking horns from the glow in the dark marching band.

The guy is a great showman and a great guitarist. I don't expect him to play "I could Never Take the Place of Your Man" or "I Love U But I Don't Trust U Anymore" at the Superbowl, but he's got so many great songs, and his own songs got the same halfhearted treatment as the covers. My verdict: not embarrassing, but he missed an opportunity to really blow us away.

Aqua Teen Idiot Force

Though I live in Boston, I kind of missed the whole Aqua Teen Hunger Force/Terrorism scare thing because I don't commute, except sometimes to the coffee shop up the street. So I'm at least a day behind on the story, but I do have some thoughts:

1.)Those people mocking our public officials and first responders for overreacting are, I think, dangerously stupid. I mean, you know, if people see unauthorized electronic devices on bridge supports, I'd like them to err on the side of caution. I mean, I guess the presence of LEDs doesn't necessarily mean the thing is safe. You wanna drive over a bridge with an unidentified black box with wires on it stuck to one of the supports? Be my guest! I'm callin' the bomb squad. Two of the 9/11 planes took off from our airport, people. Forgive us if we still don't have a sense of humor about stuff like this.

2.)I felt bad for the shmucks who got arrested, because, I thought, they are just hapless fools, idiot slackers who put these things up for a few bucks. The brains behind the operation are getting away with it. And then I saw these guys in their press conference, going, "we want to talk about hairstyles from the '70's," and I thought, I really hope those guys are out at a bar some night and some guy who was stuck in traffic because of their idiocy wipes that smirk off their faces. I'm not linking to the video because a)I'm lazy and b) it was an obvious bid by two losers to gain a few minutes of youtube fame. Citizens of the world: guys just out of college who don't have real jobs and think they are incredibly hilarious and clever are a dime a dozen in Boston. They will come to your house and display their hilarity for a can of PBR, or maybe just a sip from your can of PBR--what these morons did is nothing special.

3.)Here's what really bugs me: the attitude among some fans of the show that this is some hilarious counterculture prank, that the hairstyle slackers are fightin' the power, really stickin' it to the lame old people who just don't get the whole talking fast food thing. But here's the thing: When they saw the first of their signs getting blown up on tv, they did not call the authorities to explain, they did not save everybody a lot of time and trouble because the guy they work for told them to keep their mouths shut. Well, we know the guy they work for told them to keep their mouths shut--it's entirely possible they didn't call the authorities because they are the self-absorbed craven little shits their press conference suggests they are. In any case, these guys are just tools following the orders of guys in suits. There's a war on, people. Putting ads up is not any kind of cool countercultural protest--it's just lameasses doing a job, trying to make more money for a gigantic corporation. It actually depresses the hell out of me--Americans are coming home in coffins, Iraqis are staying home in coffins, and this country in particular is contributing to a planetary climate crisis, and people think that sticking ads on public property is some kind of cool protest. It's just another form of corporate-sanctioned entertainment.

TV Ladies

I have become a huge fan of Campus Ladies. Yeah, it's on oxygen, but I've watched it several times and am still male, so I'm feeling okay about that. The concept sounds really painfully lame (40-something women enroll as freshpersons and move into a dorm after one is widowed and the other is divorced), but the execution is fantastic. Though the humor is kind of outrageous (there's a lot of painful stuff as Joan and Barri try to fit in with today's college gals by buying thongs, getting brazilian waxes, etc. etc.), it's not really mean, and the whole thing is actually kind of sweet. Which makes it sound lame. Trust me, though, it's really really funny. I think maybe what makes it work is that Joan and Barri are just painfully naive. On the one I watched last night, they joined the campus Christian fellowship because the food was good, and then on the retreat taught the other kids about dry humping ("That's how I satisfied my husband without any in-out" Joan said perkily) and were genuinely surprised when the advisor was angry about it. They thought they were helping to promote abstinence!

Because they plug it so relentlessly during Campus Ladies, I checked out oxygen's The Bad Girls Club. This, I am sorry to report, is a new low in the already debased genre of reality tv. The concept is basically that a bunch of ill-tempered young women share a living space. Just add booze and watch the fun! Except that I watched this show for 20 whole minutes and did not see a single drunken catfight! Just when you think reality tv has sunk as low as it possibly can, they give us a delightfully sleazy title and then deliver nothing but a half hour of dullards milling around! Dammit, we want sleaze! We want hot tub makeout sessions! We want drunken catfights! I mean, is that so much to ask? I'm thinking if reality tv continues this downward spiral, we may need some government regulation requiring reality tv producers to include drunken catfights. Honestly. These people are supposed to be professionals, and they lack any knowledge of the rudiments of the genre. They should be ashamed.

I was worried about The Sarah Silverman Program, because she's so funny because she's so filthy, and how can you be that filthy on basic cable? Well, she delivers a kind of twisted sitcom in which she plays a foul-mouthed sociopath. Not as foul-mouthed as she might be, but plenty foul-mouthed, it turned out. The New Yorker had a lot of deep thoughts about it which added up to, as near as I could tell, "I laughed at some stuff I think I should feel guilty about laughing at." My laughs were guilt-free. I'll be tuning in every week.