Girl in a Cage

Nickelodeon Ate My Children's Brains

Although I love Ned's and Spongebob, I'm starting to really hate Nickelodeon. First of all, I just don't think Fairly Oddparents and Jimmy Neutron are really up to the high standard set by Spongebob, and they are on all the freaking time. But the other thing I really hate is all the relentless self-promotion and phony events. They plug their bogus events so much that they brainwash the kids into thinking something is actually happening. So when they had Spongebob's "Best Day Ever", it was 24 hours of Spongebob episodes we'd alreayd seen leading up to a decidedly subpar episode called "Best Day Ever." The kids acknowledged that the whole thing had been a letdown, but they jumped right on the hypewagon for the Naked Brothers Band. They watched the movie probably 2 and a half times, and I managed to avoid most of it. What I did catch was painfully awful--annoying kids who aren't as cute as they've been led to believe performing third-rate Hansonesque pop songs. I guess there was a rudimentary plot, too. And now Nickelodeon is advertising the series premiere probably 6 times an hour. The kids express annoyance, but yet they want to watch it anyway.

God help us if the people who run Nickelodeon ever decide they want to get their little pint-sized army to rise up against us. We won't stand a chance.

Way Too Many Teardrops

Well, I've written here and elsewhere about the brilliance of ? and the Mysterians' "96 Tears." And now I suppose it's time for me to put my money where my mouth is. ?'s house burned down. Read all about it here. He's asking for donations, and I think I'll send him a few bucks. Yeah, I already bought the song, but I'd be surprised if that guy saw a cent from my purchase given how much artists got screwed by everybody in those days. Think about how many songs on itunes aren't even worth 99 cents. Isn't "96 Tears" worth at least 5 of those? I'll bet if everybody who thinks that's a great song sent this guy 5 bucks, he could probably build himself a nice house to replace the one that burned down. Just something to think about.

Vampire Novel That Doesn't Suck!

That thumping you're hearing is the sound of Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian totally kicking my ass. Wow, is this a fantastic book.

I was a bit wary picking this literary vampire book up, because usually "literary", at least when you're talking about horror or fantasy or science fiction, is code for "boring." (Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, I'm lookin' at you). But unlike so many authors who can write beautiful sentences, Kostova is a storyteller, and though the characters are not cardboard cutouts and the dialogue doesn't suck and the prose is beautiful, it's still a rip-roaring page turner of a mystery/ vampire novel. I read a lot of genre fiction that kind of sucks, because it's just so rewarding when it doesn't. Now, I'm only on page 250 or so, and there are like 700 pages, so it's still got time to let me down, but I don't think it will.

I'm in awe of the amazing amount of research and scholarship that went into the writing of this book, but, more than that, I'm amazed that you can pack so much history and research into a book I can't put down.

Groucho Ramone

So I was watching Horse Feathers the other day, and when Groucho begins singing, "Whatever it is, I'm against it," something kinda clicked in my brain. I realized that the Marx Brothers and the Ramones both scratch the same itch in my brain. It's like my affection for both of them resides in the same mental file drawer.
I tried to figure out why this might be. I mean, yeah, there's the connection to the Ramones' "I'm Against It," but that's not all of it. Eventually what I came up with is that the Marx Brothers' whole act is based around them creating their own reality. No matter what's happening, they simply refuse to take it seriously. Nothing can really affect them, because while they occupy the same space as everybody else in the movie, they live in their own world.
I think the same thing might be true of the Ramones. And I think this is why, despite some fine songs on the later albums, the first few albums are the most beloved. It's like they created this whole weird cartoonish world of freaks and pinheads and horror movies and puppy love that just didn't really match up to anything in the real world. And it was the same thing with the live shows. It's not that they were stuck in 1976, because it's not like tons of people wore that uniform in 1976 either. It's just that they existed in their own world, and whenever they came to town, it wasn't like they visited your town--it was like you visited their world.

In the end, this is an incredibly subversive and cool schtick, which may be why the Marx Brothers were beloved by so many counter-culture types of the 60's, and the Ramones continue to be beloved of misfits and oddballs. Don't like the world you live in? Make your own!

Serchin' for Good Reality TV

I'll admit it. I was starting to think reality TV was on the ropes. I mean, it's never really reached the high point represented by the first season of Temptation Island again, but Mini-Me peeing on the floor of the Surreal Life house was another watershed moment. (ha!)

But now VH1 has brought us The White Rapper Show. Oh, it's genius! In episode one, one drunken white rapper slaps another with a dildo! Right now I'm rooting for crosseyed John Brown, because he's taken his stage name from the white prophet/terrorist/lunatic/hero who died trying to end slavery. Or maybe that's his real name. I also love the way he refers to himself in the third person all the time as "the king of the burbs". So when a new challenge comes down or something, they'll cut to the interview with him, and he'll say "Nothin' the king of the burbs can't handle." Fantastic!

My favorite moment came in the first episode, when nerdly contestant Dasit refused to write lyrics for the final challenge. Host Serch (of 3rd Bass, about whom more later) gets furious, and yells, "you think this is a game?! This aint a game!" Well, actuallly, Serch, it's um, an event where there are many people competing for a prize, which is a pretty good definition of a game as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, it's a hugely entertaining show, and I highly recommend it.

Okay, now about Serch. It's just interesting to me the way respect in the music world works. Vanilla Ice is a joke never far from the minds of the White Rapper Show contestants--how could he be when they have to go through the cooler into the Ice Ice chamber to write lyrics for the final challenge? So, okay, Vanilla Ice, who was a one-hit wonder who sold a gazillion records, is a joke. And Serch, who was a one-hit wonder (give it up for "Brooklyn Queens"!) who sold like eighteen copies, is like some elder statesman of rap. I mean, I guess, okay, Vanilla Ice sucked and 3rd Bass didn't, though the decision to sample the "Under Pressure" bass line was genius on somebody's part. I have no big conclusion to draw here except that it's interesting that the more popular an artist is, the more contempt they get later on.

Worst. Song. Ever.

So on Sirius 26, Left of Center, they've been playing what I think may be the worst song of all time. It's called "Monkey and Bear" by Joanna Newsom. It's like Bjork meets the Shaggs and Flaming Lips at Vic Chestnutt's house in Ireland. No, that makes it sound way more appealing than it actually is. She sings in a thin, tonally-challenged voice this singsongy quasi-Irish melody over and over and over--all verse, no chorus! While a harp is plucked and strings occasionally flourish in the background, but not really in a way that entirely matches up with the vocals. This goes on for NINE AND A HALF MINUTES. Whoa.

Mindful of how I hated "Batdance" the first time I heard it and then it grew on me like a fungus, I actually listened to this thing a second time today. It didn't grow on me, but it was a fear-factoresque torture test. I didn't turn it off because I wanted to see if I was tough enough to take it. By about minute six, I seriously felt as though it was a drill boring into the back of my skull. By minute nine, I was so nauseated I almost had to pull the car over. Finally, finally, it ended, and I emerged shaken, but possessed of a new faith in my inner strength. Really, I think instead of that high ropes course bullshit, they should just make people listen to this song to build their self-esteem.

Halls of Fame

I'm feelin' kinda old, due to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees for 2007, specifically REM. Now, certainly the Ramones and Prince and The Clash were artists that were far more important to me as a kid than REM, and they're already in the Hall of Fame, but I was not that hip to the music scene when I was eight and nine, which is when the first Ramones and Prince and Clash albums came out. (I believe I may have gotten my copy of Billy Joel's The Stranger somewhere around that point. Also the soundtrack to The Muppet Movie. I already owned Elton John's Greatest Hits.) I remember vividly, though, the release of Murmur and people talking about it at school and hearing "Radio Free Europe" and thinking it was kinda weird. (Yeah, I know, the Chronic Town EP came first, but whatever). This is really the first time that a band that started about when I got interested in music is in the hall of fame. Which is one more measure of gettin' old, I suppose.

If Van Halen had broken up after 1984, I wouldn't have any problem with their induction, but I guess I feel that their descent into suckitude somehow weakens their case. I mean, they've got Hagar listed on the press release! Are they really being inducted on the strength of "Love Walks In"? I mean, in my book, Hagar is just a poster boy for rock and roll mediocrity. (Or, as I like to call it, "medirockrity") In my hall of fame, he'd be listed as The Guy Who Ruined Van Halen and The Guy Who Unwittingly Inspired Double Nickels on the Dime) Who votes on these things? They're very cagey about this.

Of course, we all know who votes on the baseball hall of fame, and what a bunch o' hypocrites those guys are. I mean, I don't really have any problem with excluding Mark McGwire over his steroid use, but where were all these high and mighty anti-steroid baseball writers when these guys were blowing up like the Michelin Man? They were all writing adoring columns about McGwire and Sosa and how they were so good for baseball and isn't this run for the record books fun? And I don't remember anybody questioning whether they were using steroids or not, or actually doing any investigating or anything. I guess that would involve actual journalism. They were happy to promote these guys at the time, and then, like Claude Rains in Casablanca, they're shocked, shocked to find out that steroid use was going on. Puh-leeze.

Too Many Teardrops

So I think we can take it as a given that ? and the Mysterians' "96 Tears" is the greatest one-hit wonder of all time. (I suppose you could make cases for "Take on Me" and "Jessie's Girl", but to my way of thinking, they're fabulous but not even in the same league as 96 Tears.)

I got to thinking that one objective piece of data that might prove my hypothesis is the number of times 96 tears is name-checked in other songs. Well, I can only think of three, but still, that's two more than I can come up with for any other song.

So here they are, in rough chronological order:

X, "Johny Hit and Run Paulene"-- "96 Tears through 24 hours."
The Cramps--"Human Fly"--"I got 96 Tears and 96 eyes."
The B-52's--"Deadbeat Club"--"As the jukebox plays real loud, 96 tears"

I can think of other examples, but, as I said, no other song that's mentioned more than once. I'm gonna say that name-checking your own song, a la "Glass Onion" or "Danny Says" doesn't count.

I'm not sure about songs that are essentially lists of song titles count either--like X's "True Love, Part 2" or The Lords of the New Church "Little Boys Play With Dolls"

So here's what I came up with for other examples, just off the top of my head:

Eddie Money, "Take Me Home Tonight"--"Just like Ronnie say, be my little baby." This is kind of a live-action sample, which I think is cool, and I know Eddie Money isn't cool, but I like this song. Then again, I have a soft spot for Eddie Money because Peter Robinson used to say I looked like him.

Too Much Joy "Song For a Girl Who Has One" --"did you ever drive at night blarin' Chemical Wire?"

Tom Petty "Runnin' Down a Dream"--"Me and Del were singin', little runaway."

So is there any other song that's mentioned more than once by other artists? And does this not prove definitively that 96 Tears is the best one-hit wonder ever? Might it, indeed, challege Summertime Blues in the category of best rock and roll song ever?

Movie roundup

TCM showed a Marx Brothers marathon on New Year's Eve, and I recorded a bunch of 'em. Thus far I've watched only Horse Feathers and A Night at the Opera. And yeah, the musical sequences bring the movies screeching to a halt, but the rest of the movies are just brilliant. I think Duck Soup is probably as close to a perfect movie as I've ever seen. If you could just cut the stupid racist joke out, it would in fact be perfect.

(Aside: Soon you will be able to do this. Well, I mean you could do it now, but soon you'll be able to do it legally. Tim from church makes DVDs of out-of-copyright movies--sometimes re-edited or, in the case of the silents, with a new score included--and sells them here. They're out of copyright! You can do whatever you want! I got a nice copy of the orignial Japanese Gojira (sans Raymond Burr) from him for ten bucks. And his re-edited Nosferatu, too. So I look forward to the day when you can get the non-racist Duck Soup for ten bucks. And I know this means that you give control of the artwork to the viewer and take it away from the producers, directors and screenwriters, but, I mean, after 75 years, I think that's okay.)

In other movie news, we all watched Dodgeball together the other night, and everybody enjoyed it mightily. I watched the extras, and enjoyed those too. But, I mean, what's up with the alternate ending hoax? I mean, I guess it's some kind of commentary on the lameness of DVD extras, but the movie is so funny, and Ben Stiller yelling at you about what a nerd you are for looking for Easter Eggs is funny, so why is the alternate ending gag so lame?

Finally, I recorded Bubba Ho-Tep the other night. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should say that if you tell me that a movie stars Bruce Campbell as Elvis and Ossie Davis as a man who believes he's JFK, and they team up to fight an evil mummy in the old folks' home where they live, well, you had me at Bruce Campbell as Elvis. This movie didn't really need to be any good for me to like it. But it was good. It was really really good. I mean, the mummy part was good, but most of all, it's a movie about hope and redemption. Now you can have a movie about hope and redemption that's slow-moving and contemplative and beautiful, or you can have one with a mummy who sucks people's souls out of their anuses. I'll take the anus-sucking mummy any day.

Viewin' Dirty

I caught the first episode of Dirt on FX last night. It's mostly gotten bad reviews, but I really enjoyed it. And, I mean, this might be sorta obvious, but this show is really really dirty! Rick Fox got pegged with a strap-on in the first five minutes! (Celtics fans have been waiting years to see that.) There was drug use, sex, betrayal, and the whole thing was sleazy and wonderful and I loved it. Most of the bad reviews I've seen seem to be objecting to the fact that they're not going completely over-the-top campy like Hollywood Wives or something, but that was really fine with me. I like the fact that Courtney Cox is not a total dragon lady (I mean, she's a partial dragon lady, but not total), I like the fact that the show allows us to simultaneously wallow in and disapprove of depravity--always a recipe for top-notch entertainment. Not sure exactly what they're doing with the schizophrenic photographer, but I liked that element too. It's actually kind of touching to see Courtney Cox being sort of kind and slightly maternal with this guy even as they scheme to blackmail and eviscerate various celebrities. And, I mean, there was just so much depravity in one little episode! Basketball player pegged by hooker and photographed in the act! Guy manually pleasuring his girlfriend in a bar! Pregnant woman doing lines! Stoned starlet cheating on her boyfriend--caught on tape! Boyfriend made to watch tape! Boyfriend reinacting sex act he saw on tape with same cheating girlfriend! One-night-stand guy tazed in the nuts! Probably I'm forgetting some, but if that laundry list doesn't make you want to watch this show, well, I guess I can only conclude that you really want different things from your television entertainment than I do.