Girl in a Cage

Rudy, you're like school in the summertime

So we rented disc one of the old Fat Albert show, because we remembered it fondly and thought the kids might like it. The disc was a huge disappointment. I was really hoping for some outtakes with Dumb Donald with his hat off, or Weird Harold commentary on an episode or two, but it's got squat for special features. Also, I'd forgotten how incredibly awful the animation is. When I was a kid, my dad, who was an artist, used to always rant about how crappy the animation was on whatever cartoon I was watching. I thought he was just trying to wreck my Saturday morning buzz, but looking at this disc and being a frequent Boomerang viewer, I have to say it's shocking that the absolute worst cartoon on Nickelodeon today has animation that's light years better than what was on tv in the '70's. South Park has better animation. Really.

Also bad is that they mixed the generally good older episodes with some shockingly bad later episodes. The later episodes feature long, boring "Brown Hornet" episodes, and a much more suburban-looking setting than the early ones. And lots more white characters--it really looks like somebody decided the show was "too Black", which I thought was kind of the point. And there's no fabulous song by the junkyard band at the end! Also, the show was preachy to begin with and only got more preachy, and the little sermons from Mr. Alleged Dope-And-Grope just don't sit as well as they used to.

I really think whoever put this disc together should be called "out of work teacher"...

Dog, Stiff, Dead

I bought some paperbacks on sale a couple of weeks ago. Here's my report:

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon. You know, there are few things I hate more than when everybody says, "Oh, you have to read this book, it's so great, blah blah" and they turn out to be right. This is just a really really good book that I'm still thinking about weeks after I finished it. The way the autistic narrator's mind works is fascinating, but it's also just really cool the way what seems like a simple errand becomes this epic quest. All this and it's short and easy to read. My kinda book.

Stiff by Mary Roach--again, a really fascinating, really funny book about the uses we put dead bodies to. It's really the funny but not disrespectful tone that makes the whole thing go down so smooth, and I just found a lot of the information incredibly interesting. Bonus: people look at you like you're a total freak when they see you reading it on the subway or (tremendous coup) in the doctor's waiting room. Having said that, I did have to put it down about a chapter or two from the end, because reading about corpses, even in this breezy, good-humored book did kind of depress and wig me out a little bit after a while.

Already Dead by Charlie Huston--Of the three, this is the most familiar--private detective hired to solve a case he may not be supposed to solve, buffeted about by powerful forces he doesn't understand, etc. I've probably read this book a hundred times--but never where the private dick was a vampire! It's a ripping thriller of a detective story and, that all-too-rare pheonomenon, a horror novel that doesn't suck. And that even rarer thing, a book about vampires that is not just a weirdo author inflicting their pathetic fantasy about either being or sleeping with a vampire on their readers. Tremendously entertaining. I suppose it's not as innovative a book as the other two, but it's definitely the one I enjoyed the most.

Near, Far, in a Motorcar

Over the weekend we took in a couple of family classix. First was Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, which we all enjoyed--good music, cool contraptions, and Dick Van Dyke playing and Englishman but not inflicting his horrible faux-English accent on us. And it is the brainchild of Ian Fleming, who was evidently such a perv that he couldn't help himself from using a suggestive female name even in a kids' story. I mean is Truly Scrumptious like a porn name, or what?

The other one was Bedknobs and Broomsticks, which was kinda uneven. Songs weren't very good, but it was suprisingly un-treacly: neither the kids nor the adults are very sympathetic at the beginning, and while they do warm up to each other, it's never as phony as it could be. The finale, with Angela Lansbury repelling German invaders with her magic, was pretty cool. It took a long time to get there, though. And what a strange, off note that the happy ending was the surrogate dad marching off to war. Hmm.

Both movies were way too long, but given the fact that I complained loudly about Chicken Little (and I still get about one hit a day from some perv searching for "Choke the Chicken" as a result. To which I say, "Welcome, pervs! Please buy many copies of Long Way Back, best novel of 2006!"), I have to cut them some slack, since these are actual movies rather than cynical money vacuums.

Ben Folds Ain't Shit

Actually I like Ben Folds. And though I previously chided him for his cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit", I heard it again the other day and it got so stuck in my brain that I downloaded it. (Yes, thus ensuring that Snoop and Dre get paid again for their vile misogyny. Sigh). It's not really because I like it--it's just because I can't quite figure it out. Is it just a parody, like that acoustic version of "Boyz N The Hood" they used to play a few years back? Maybe--it's jarring to hear somebody sing the lyrics, mostly because when someone's singing, you expect a little more than "motherfucker" every other word, and the incredible weakness of a line like "now she's suin' cause the shit she be doin' aint shit" is quite striking when sung rather than rapped. (And it's thrown into sharp relief because Ben Folds' own lyrics are usually quite clever.)

And yet he's turned it into this really tuneful melancholy pop song-- through the whole thing he just sounds like he really wishes bitches was shit, but it's his sad duty to report that they aint. And he sings it completely straight--if he's sneering at it, you can't tell from the vocals. But it really is a vile song, and possibly worse even than the misogyny is the cruel verse about Eazy-E, now dead from AIDS, though I guess he wasn't when the song was written. So what exactly is going on here?

I think it's just very rare with any popular art that you just don't quite get what the artist is trying to do. It's unsettling. The last time I really remember that happening was after I saw Starship Troopers. (You can tell from the reviews there that I wasn't the only one confused.) There are so many weird, off notes in that movie. Eric told me it was a satire of fascism, which I accepted, since it explains why so many of the lines and scenes just feel so off--like Doogie Howser in the end in his very SS-lookin' coat and cap shouting triumphantly, "She's afraid! She feels afraid!". And the director, Paul Verhoeven, had made Robocop, which suggests he's got a penchant for action movies with a satiric bent. But then he also made Showgirls, which suggests that he doesn't always know when he's making a bad movie.

Substitute

Listening to the Who's "Substitute" on headphones the other day, I heard something I'd never noticed before--right before the big drum fill before the final "I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth", you can hear this impassioned "Aaaaaaaaa!" in the background. I like to think it's Keith Moon, but who knows. In any case, that yell pretty much summed up for me why early Who is better than late Who. I mean, Daltrey's stagey "Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhh!" in "Won't Get Fooled Again" just sounds kind of tame compared to this yell. I mean, I heard this yell off in the background, and it just brought this big grin to my face--you know, like this is a great band just rockin' even their own socks off, rather than Making An Important Statement.

Kingdom Hospital

Yesterday I unearthed my long-lost Kingdom Hospital DVDs and watched a couple of episodes. I totally get why the show was a failure--Stephen King didn't really master the "slowly appear to reveal little secrets without actually clearing up any mysteries" formula that drives the most successful of the supernatural shows. And so once ABC started moving it around, I didn't seek it out, and even after buying the DVDs, I didn't feel compelled to sit down and watch the whole thing. Still, they did a great job of creating an atmosphere that feels both creepy and strangely comforting, and the acting is at least 2 notches above what you usually see on TV. And it's way better than the original Danish series (yeah, I watched 4 episodes), which is remarkable for being something made by Lars Von Trier that is actually entertaining and not a hateful misogynist torture test. (Okay, I didn't see the one where he tortured Bjork or the one where he tortured Nicole Kidman, but Breaking The Waves is by far and away the vilest movie I've ever seen. Dude has some serious issues, and it is pretty telling that none of his female leads ever wants to work with him again.)

Brendan Halpin Fraud Exposed!

Well, it's pretty tough for a guy to grab any literary ink these days, even if he does have "the best novel of this or any year"* on the shelves. (Long Way Back, published by Villard, buy buy buy!) So here's my attempt to grab a share of that sweet sweet publicity for myself.

Brendan Halpin is a fraud. In his spectacular non-selling memoir, It Takes a Worried Man, he makes many claims that are exaggerated at best, fraudulent at worst. For example, on page 14, Halpin states, "a power miter saw is purchased." A covert search of Halpin's home revealed no power miter saw. When questioned about the matter, Halpin issued a statement: "Aaaagh! Who the hell are you? Get out of my house!" Later, on page 123, Halpin states, "my ex-girlfriend from high school came over and just threw herself at me." A thorough canvass of the Greater Cincinnati area revealed not a single person who would admit to having been Halpin's girlfriend in high school. Did this "girlfriend" even exist? Clearly, given Halpin's lack of truthfulness about the miter saw issue, and the way he looked in high school, we have to doubt it.

Halpin's next memoir, "Losing My Faculties", which purports to chronicle his teaching career, is riddled with similar inaccuracies. Indeed, even a cursory search of public records reveals that the schools Halpin claims to have worked at--Newcastle, Northton, and Better Than You--don't even exist!

But it's in Halpin's career as a novelist that he practiced his basest deception. Halpin claims to be an unremarkable college graduate and family man. But is the person who claims to be Halpin in his public appearances really Halpin at all? No. In fact, the person who writes as "Brendan Halpin" is a 19-year-old transgendered truck stop prostitute who has disguised his/her true identity in a pathetic attempt to distance himself from celebrities and not sell very many books. Thus far, his scheme has suceeded perfectly. The best way to punish him for this despicable fraud is the make sure each and every one of his books lands on the bestseller list. That'll show him!

*blurb fabricated by me.

Top Singles of 2005!

Yeah, I know you're supposed to do these things in December, but things got a little busy around here, what with the three kids and all. So here, in no particular order, are my favorite singles I downloaded in 2005. Not all of them actually came out in 2005. But I didn't include the really old stuff I downloaded, like "Substitute" or "Jeepster." Also not included are great singles from entire albums I downloaded. Not that these songs might not come from good albums--I just didn't buy 'em.

1. Pony--Kasey Chambers. I must confess I didn't think a song that featured yodeling could be sexy until I heard this, the greatest country song of the 00's, along with Hank Williams III's "5 Shots of Whiskey" and...

2.Horrible Day--Frank Black and the Catholics. Death, divorce, and controlled substances. What else do you want from a country song?

3.Armenia, City in the Sky--Petra Haden. She did an acapella version of The Who Sell Out. I downloaded a couple of tracks, and it quickly got cloying, like Those Singing Groups In College Who Would Tell Bad Jokes and Then Sing When Doves Cry Acapella And Sound Painfully White. Still, this one really works--weird and kinda haunting.

4.Freakin' Out--Graham Coxon. I guess he used to be in Pulp or Blur, or the Verve, or one of those other bands from the '90's I never listened to. This is a great, catchy, rockin' song about, well, freakin' out. I can relate.

5."Blankest Year"--Nada Surf. Yeah, I thought they were a one-hit wonder , Weezer-knockoff band, but this is one hell of a great song. Love the sweet backup vocals going "fuck it" on the chorus!

6.Beverly Hills--Weezer. Well, Weezer's always been a 2-irresistable-singles-and-a-bunch-of-filler kind of band, so I love being able to download just one song. And I love that Wah-wah pedal! Frampton comes alive, baby!

7.I Got a Line on You--The Woggles. Covering some other obscure band, and making a cool song faster, louder, and cooler.

8.Got to Give it Up--The Dirtbombs. Turing the Marvin Gaye disco classic into a garage-rockin' funk fest.

9. Dancing with Joey Ramone--Amy Rigby. About which I've probably said too much already.

10.Come Dig Me Out--Kelly Osbourne. I know, I know, this is the kind of pre-fab, pseudo-punk pop music I should hate and usually do. I thought about trying to argue that this song is better than you think, but it's probably just as bad as you think. I just happen to love it.

11.It's Not The Fall That Hurts--Caesars. It's when you hit the ground...

12. I Predict a Riot--Kaiser Chiefs. You really can't lose with a catchy "na na na na na" in the chorus. Daughter #2 is humming this one as I write!

Still Strokin'

It took me a while to get to the new Strokes album, because I dowloaded 4 tracks from the live version of If You're Feeling Sinister at the same time, and apparently I needed to listen to the (stellar, amazing) live version of "Judy and the Dream of Horses" a few dozen times before I could listen to anything else.

Is it because live recordings with good sound are inherently more compelling than polished, methodically assembled studio recordings? Maybe. Is it because I'm just closer in temperment to a melancholy Glaswegian than a disaffected New York hipster? Certainly, but overall, I no longer trust my critical faculties when it comes to Belle and Sebastian. I simply love this band too much to be objective.

On to the Strokes. They've gotten knocked as ripoff artists, which I think is unfair--what band hasn't ripped off other bands? The Shaggs, certainly, were sui generis by virtue of extreme incompetence. Otherwise...I dunno, I suppose you could argue that the Sgt. Pepper's-era Beatles were up to something completely new and not related to Buddy Holly or Carl Perkins at all, but now that time has passed and the general population has an overall lower level of THC in their bloodstream, I think we have to admit that Sgt. Pepper's was an artistic dead end that led directly to the masturbatory horror of Yes and Emerson, Lake, and Palmer and indirectly to the more self-indulgent XTC numbers.

I think the real issue is that the lead singer pissed off a lot of critics by growing up rich and then becoming a rock star. Like being good-looking and rich wasn't getting him enough chicks? He had to start a band, too? (One of my favorite Onion headlines, before they lost their mojo, was "Guy from the Strokes accused of trying to look like that guy from the Strokes.")

Having said that, I initially thought the Strokes were ripping off the Velvet Underground and the Feelies, and then, with "12:51", the Cars, (a way better Cars song than any the Cars ever recorded) and now they've finally taken that horrible effect off the vocals, and it turns out that they really want to be....U2! Casablancas bites Bono's style on nearly every track, and I have to say he does a hell of a job. I think it's a better late-period U2 record than the actual late period U2 records, which I like.

The Strokes: Defenders of Marriage

I downloaded the new Strokes album today, mostly out of gratitude for "Juice Box." I can't believe it took this long before somebody made that phrase dirty. I mean, now that they've made that song, it just seems obvious how dirty it is. Juice box!

Given that parenthood can sap the libido of even the liveliest couples, I think the Strokes have done a tremendous service by eroticizing the most banal of parental accessories. I'm imagining young couples having dialogues like this:
"Hon, did you bring the juice box?"
(Meaningful pause, lift of an eyebrow)
"Oh, I never leave home without it."
Or possibly, "I got your juice box right here."
Or maybe, as dad whips a juice box out of the diaper bag, mom might say, "Hey, I really like what you do with the juice box."
Might it be that by adding even the tiniest erotic charge to small parenting moments, The Strokes are lessening the stress that parenthood places on marriages, and thereby lowering the divorce rate? Watch the data!